Monday, November 29, 2010

One Nigerian Night

Another night. Another village. By this time we had traveled through so many villages, bowed before multiple chiefs, interviewed hundreds of local people who didn't have a Bible in their mother tongue. We were on a mission-to analyze the language of the Koro Wachi people, and the dozens of dialects within it, to determine whether or not a translation was necessary. I can't remember what village we were in that night. I was just a young white lady in the middle of somewhere Africa, trying to discover my part in God's bigger plan.

Our work completed for the day, we were ushered through the creaky aluminum gate into the compound of the local pastor. A cluster of tall papaya trees grew near the back. Goats and chickens settled down for the night while a kitten and puppy drew near to sniff out the newcomers. Small concrete and mud rooms surrounded us on three sides in the large open courtyard where the family gathered.

While the women took out the mammoth-sized mortar and pestle to begin pounding the yams, I slipped away with my toiletries to take a bucket bath in the outhouse. Those kind women, of course, insisted on heating the water for me first over the fire. As the water splashed over my dirty, tired body, I felt a sense of peace and renewal. Although I did not particularly like taking bucket baths and using squatty potties, I had grown accustomed to it, and for some reason this night I felt quite content with the simplicity. I combed my hair and wrapped a "kanga" around my waist, and stepped outside to join the rest of the family for dinner.

The night air was perfect. The fire blazed, and oh, how those women laughed and sang as they pounded the yams with their strong arms until it became as smooth as butter! They were giving cheerfully of themselves to honor us. As I sat back in my plastic chair to watch the billions of stars twinkling brightly in the sky, I felt so small yet so loved. Even if no one knew where I was in the world, even myself, God knew and He was watching me. The yams were bland of course, but I ate the meal, thankful for their labor of love. Eventually they noticed my fatigue, and ushered me through the darkness into a small room that was filled with freshly harvested ginger root. The pungent odor filled my nostrils and cleared my head. I crawled under the mosquito net and glanced once out the little window before closing my eyes.

My prayers were different that night. I thanked God for a bath and toilet paper. I thanked Him for a bed and food. I thanked him for people who love other people and for God Himself. I will never forget that one night in Nigeria.


Saturday, November 27, 2010

Crying Heart

Spontaneous crying. Excitement at the new possibilities. More crying. The feeling of nothingness. A dull, aching heart. Wanting to do nothing. Wanting to do everything. Sleep. Feel better. Tired. Feel worse. Want to eat. It doesn't satisfy. Feel sick. More crying. Hope. Second-guessing myself. Remembering the good times. Crying a lot! Remembering the not-so-good times. Knowing that I made the right decision. Wondering. Fear. More crying. Sorrow beyond explanation. Trusting. Praying. Loneliness. Emptiness. Cold. More crying. So, this is what a broken heart feels like.

I just want to hug him. To make sure he is okay. To know that he is looking to God to find healing too. I was the one who called it off. But I can't bear the thought that I have caused him so much pain, and myself too...more than I ever thought.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Someday...

Someday I want to get my Master's degree in Islamic Studies at Columbia International University in South Carolina.

Someday I want to teach college students about Islam from the Christian perspective.

Someday I want to trek through the Middle East.

Someday I want to play the cello and classical guitar.

Someday I want to garden.

Someday I want to make natural beauty products and host tea parties.

Someday I want to write a book.

Someday I want to learn to speak another language.

Someday I want to trace my ancestry.

Someday I want to marry and have children.

Where has God placed me today? And can I enjoy it? Will He give me greater things when I am so faithless with the small things? And what do I do while I'm waiting?


Saturday, November 13, 2010

Snow!

I woke up this morning and looked out my window, and this is what I saw...

Dreams & Visions

God speaks to me through dreams.


Okay, so you know when you have a regular dream (I have at least a dozen every night!). But you know when you have a dream that is anything but regular? It feels different. You know it holds some meaning.


Well, God speaks to me through dreams. I used to only have a really special dream once or twice a year. But I've been having a lot more of them lately. Other people have also been having visions or pictures in their heads about me too...

(from Christine R.)

She saw a picture of...me...over my head. She started crying and told me that she felt like I was really on the heart of God at that moment. He wanted me to know how much He notices me and He loves me.

(from Amanda S.)



"I saw you sitting on the floor, you were surrounded by all this 'stuff' and you were looking at it all feeling overwhelmed...knowing you had to go through it all, but not sure where to start and just feeling defeated. But in the picture Jesus was sitting on the floor with you...facing you...and He wants you to look at Him. When you looked at Him, He started to pick up the 'stuff' one thing at a time and discard it. 

Psalm 22 :8 also came to mind. Seems to be talking about Jesus and his sufferings...but also seems that it could apply to you 'she trusts in the Lord; let Him deliver her; let Him rescue her, for He delights in her.'"




Photo: David Bowman’s painting titled Security

Friday, November 12, 2010

When Selfishness Paralyzes

Argh!!!!

I can't stand myself lately! I have been noticing more and more how SELFISH I am! At first it started out with a little discontentment, that turned into depression, that turned into a huge blowout! Then it smacked me in the face that sometimes I can just be a self-centered little brat who pouts when I don't get my way!

Problem #1-Even though I recognize this, it doesn't make it any easier to get out of it! I am in a funk. I want to run away, I want to go off and have a little adventure. I don't want to buckle down and humble myself to get this thing out at the root. First of all I'm too tired. Second it's cold out, and that makes me a little cranky because I can't go out and have a nice walk while complaining to God about my woes. Third, well, I just want to have it MY way!

Problem #2 - My spirit won't let me have it my way! It wars inside of me. Because just as much as I want to do what I want to do, my spirit knows better and won't let me go and do it. I know I should be thankful for this, but sometimes it's just plain annoying!

And so...I'm sitting in a funk. Waiting to get out. Waiting to find contentment in God. Waiting until I give in and let go of my stubbornness to fully rely on Him and find my fulfillment in Him.